I was thinking, I wanna live in the dark corner or I wanna live in hell. Just two simple way either or. I dontknow what to do. I feel lost everywhere. Making everyone upset, I'm sorry. I thought I could live here anymore. I'm not happy that's the main thing. I hate everyone yes including myself. I really wanted to die tonight but I knew I wouldn't have a courage to do it. Send me to coma or something, I hope that may help?
I know I won't bear to leave not this place but to see the people around me getting upset. There's definitely the two most important people in my life right now. One is my beloved grandma and the other of course my other half, boon. I will greatly missed him like a lot a lot. Hasn't seen him for days cause of some misunderstanding issues. Yeah you can blame it in me, my bad to cause your unhappiness.
The whole day of today, I wasn't even happy not a single time. The whole time I was trying to do my stuff, going into my own world trying to keep up with school pace. i felt I couldn't do it anymore. i realize I was actually lonely, or rather I had no one to be with. Even after school while waiting for the match to start I went to somewhere and say down. Open my laptop and there I go searching for awesome music to hear. Waiting and killing time until it was time to go. So I went, and there is was alone again, but this time I tried to talk to people. To me, there is all just about connections, you know here you know there people use people here and there. It was bad. It's okay, I found someone to talk to, although I wasn't that close to her. And then it was time to move up and play. The game finished and I head home. Cab with a friend and I told him all my worries about different class and one thing loner. It was definitely not a good time of course. if time could return I would jolly well WISHED that I had been aborted. Why don't you kill me really. living was hard, kill me please.
Homed. It was screwed, cause I hate people touching my things and yes everything was messy with mine. i had a bathe and thought of lots of stuff. School was bad for me, home as well. There certainly nothing to look forward anymore. He asked me what I move repeatedly. I told him, I just wanna move. I don't wanna stay here. As you know I don't like to show, not tell about anything. I'm alrdy barely trying to breathe inside, it felt like if I missed a breath I would have died. And he said by doing this I giving him a lot of problem oh yes me again okay my fault.
Rental of the house, okay two guys maybe coming to stay. I mean I'm okay with it, but I told you about this why? cause I'm worried for my sister and not myself. I don't even wanna care for myself anymore what for? it's useless. You said you will settle it okay, I trust you on that. Like insane? our house has young girls and you want them to be attention seekers to the preys? definitely not. My sister once said to trust the tenants, but no. No one should ever trust a stranger. perhaps my opinion.
I am bad? oh come on. I'm not gonna explain and say anything to anyone but just right here. I spare a thought of them, you said it was for myself, okay. I wanted to quit school and work to pay for the rental you rejected and scold me, okay. I tried being nice and clear up everything I could. like after work or school or something I tried to do something at least for the house, and not noticing it it's fine but you said I didn't do much and say behind my back purposely one la show off, okay. I keep doing. you think I'm not tired? why was I the only one putting effort. and do you know how much times I hurt myself and tried to kill myself in many ways, you thought I was happy with life and you have no idea how much I'm suffering.
I swear I didn't have the courage but I have the determination cause as you see everything is down for me. I'm dying. why didn't I just drop dead, because I don't want to leave without seeing my two favourite people. life get hard at times and I know I was silly enough to think I can survive through it. gosh why am I stupid. second sister who thinks she the most understanding me, and yeah you're not. I've seen more than you, experience more intense stuff then you. you just don't know it. I've been giving so much, does anymore anyone even sees it, I bet not. had enough of those fake smile fake happiness where behind is just a pack of sorrows. I guess it's almost time I going to start smoking perhaps. I don't care how hard to quit or whatsoever I'm stressed I'm dying that's all I know.
