Wednesday, 29 October 2014
23:43
I was thinking, I wanna live in the dark corner or I wanna live in hell. Just two simple way either or. I dontknow what to do. I feel lost everywhere. Making everyone upset, I'm sorry. I thought I could live here anymore. I'm not happy that's the main thing. I hate everyone yes including myself. I really wanted to die tonight but I knew I wouldn't have a courage to do it. Send me to coma or something, I hope that may help?
I know I won't bear to leave not this place but to see the people around me getting upset. There's definitely the two most important people in my life right now. One is my beloved grandma and the other of course my other half, boon. I will greatly missed him like a lot a lot. Hasn't seen him for days cause of some misunderstanding issues. Yeah you can blame it in me, my bad to cause your unhappiness.
The whole day of today, I wasn't even happy not a single time. The whole time I was trying to do my stuff, going into my own world trying to keep up with school pace. i felt I couldn't do it anymore. i realize I was actually lonely, or rather I had no one to be with. Even after school while waiting for the match to start I went to somewhere and say down. Open my laptop and there I go searching for awesome music to hear. Waiting and killing time until it was time to go. So I went, and there is was alone again, but this time I tried to talk to people. To me, there is all just about connections, you know here you know there people use people here and there. It was bad. It's okay, I found someone to talk to, although I wasn't that close to her. And then it was time to move up and play. The game finished and I head home. Cab with a friend and I told him all my worries about different class and one thing loner. It was definitely not a good time of course. if time could return I would jolly well WISHED that I had been aborted. Why don't you kill me really. living was hard, kill me please.
Homed. It was screwed, cause I hate people touching my things and yes everything was messy with mine. i had a bathe and thought of lots of stuff. School was bad for me, home as well. There certainly nothing to look forward anymore. He asked me what I move repeatedly. I told him, I just wanna move. I don't wanna stay here. As you know I don't like to show, not tell about anything. I'm alrdy barely trying to breathe inside, it felt like if I missed a breath I would have died. And he said by doing this I giving him a lot of problem oh yes me again okay my fault.
Rental of the house, okay two guys maybe coming to stay. I mean I'm okay with it, but I told you about this why? cause I'm worried for my sister and not myself. I don't even wanna care for myself anymore what for? it's useless. You said you will settle it okay, I trust you on that. Like insane? our house has young girls and you want them to be attention seekers to the preys? definitely not. My sister once said to trust the tenants, but no. No one should ever trust a stranger. perhaps my opinion.
I am bad? oh come on. I'm not gonna explain and say anything to anyone but just right here. I spare a thought of them, you said it was for myself, okay. I wanted to quit school and work to pay for the rental you rejected and scold me, okay. I tried being nice and clear up everything I could. like after work or school or something I tried to do something at least for the house, and not noticing it it's fine but you said I didn't do much and say behind my back purposely one la show off, okay. I keep doing. you think I'm not tired? why was I the only one putting effort. and do you know how much times I hurt myself and tried to kill myself in many ways, you thought I was happy with life and you have no idea how much I'm suffering.
I swear I didn't have the courage but I have the determination cause as you see everything is down for me. I'm dying. why didn't I just drop dead, because I don't want to leave without seeing my two favourite people. life get hard at times and I know I was silly enough to think I can survive through it. gosh why am I stupid. second sister who thinks she the most understanding me, and yeah you're not. I've seen more than you, experience more intense stuff then you. you just don't know it. I've been giving so much, does anymore anyone even sees it, I bet not. had enough of those fake smile fake happiness where behind is just a pack of sorrows. I guess it's almost time I going to start smoking perhaps. I don't care how hard to quit or whatsoever I'm stressed I'm dying that's all I know.
& I'm being random.
Saturday, 18 October 2014
14:08
Entirely my bad. I didn't you too had suffer so much because of me. Maybe if you have told me your have outings and stuff, I would have just not disrupt your life so much. I felt it's kind of late to understand now. I'm sorry for spoiling so much of your plans, and if you could, stop saying "setting my priorities right" I don't want hear that anymore. I shall admit then, I'm childish, selfish, lame, demanding. I'm not gonna drag you along with me for anything anymore, I'm just angry at myself for bring so much onto you.
Don't have to put in the second place anymore. I don't need or neither want that. All I want is for you to be happy with whichever you like. Do whatever you want, don't have to report to me or anything, I trust you on that.
For now till you're in army, I won't text or call you that much. I won't go out with you as much. If can, once a week, if cannot then it's alright, I will understand your plight. Please be happy, if you're not happy with it, tell me again or something.
Realizing me asking you out everyday and you can't really stay at home and play games with your friends, not as close as before with your friends, didn't much go out with your friends, I'm sorry, truly indeed. Maybe I'm not a good girlfriend to you, sigh. if you ever change your mind, tell me alright. I will understand.
I'm gonna let you go, to do the things you want, you like. Sorry for giving the freedom only now, please, just do what you want. And don't ask me out or what cause I don't want to intrude your life as much. Change your priorities to maintaining your good friendship with your buddies alright, just please.
& I'm being random.
Friday, 17 October 2014
00:32
Thoughts running wild like free. What I realized was only the starting period where the guys starts to chase a girl, he does all those things, those sweet stuff, those you've never seen before. It's only during that period you see. other than that, nah. I used to compare him with my friend's boy. He does so much things for her and all, and never once grumble. I was once "sigh why mine wasn't like that, if only.."
But then I realized, no. Not all guys can be the same, not all guys know how to do such stuffs to his girlfriend, not all guys are gentlemen enough, not all guys are capable. But one thing for sure, that guy will definitely love you whole heartedly.
He might not be paying for the girl, he might not be doing sweet stuff, but it's all fine. Maybe he is just different. I kept thinking about many factors, like is he the right one for me? Is he the one I really "love"? Or Does he really really love me?
One cannot simply find a perfect boyfriend. One has to make that guy of yours perfect in your eyes. It is what you see and what you feel.
Sigh, I asked back at you where's all the sweet stuff where you once promised me you will do. What the reply was, then where's mine. And that reply wasn't what I wanted oh. I was practically shock at what you said. Immediate should my head, • WHAT. So now you're trying to say I have not done anything for you all the stuffs I once did, it got wash away into the sea • Wow just Wow. Just another disappointment sigh. Not that I'm being demanding or what, but if you wanna think that way, I've nothing to say.
So you said where's mine. Let me answer you right here. Ask your heart, when have I NEVER done anything for you? just when. Probably now I think it's getting hard to please you. I go all the way to your house early morning just to surprise you. that extra mile, and did I ask for anything? I get your favorite food ( like dorakeiki ) and did I ask for anything? I tried my best to give you a surprise gift through my bro Darren, did I ask for anything? I made that card for you and did I ask for anything? I find all ways to get the marvels polaroid, and I thought you will be amazed or happy when we had the first polaroid picture taken but you wasn't, and I definitely still remember the look on your face. I went to the airport to surprise you, I cooked for you, got you some couple cap which I dontknow where you put. From the bottom of my heart, I didn't felt like you really do appreciate the things I did. or maybe you did, but I didn't realized. All I ask for was you to be happy and as long you are, I am too. Just a simple wish.
At times when I was upset, I don't wish to show it to you. I would rather keep it to myself. Cause you can't understand and never will. It just complicated as it is.
( ONLY THE CHASING PERIOD )
And ya I know what you did for me so far, during school days, you got me honey lemon. When my throat was bad, you got me strepsils, perhaps if you don't recall I still keep the wrapper somewhere. It was too nostalgia for me.
One more thing, the couple necklace that you got online, although it may not be expensive or whatsoever, it was the thought and heart that counts. That's was the first couple thing you got for me, I'm happy of course and can't wait to wear it with you.
Now, I had to ask you to do sweet things for me. Forget it la, it's too tiring for you right. It's probably too late for anything to be.
I really wonder, if I hadn't start the talk with you. What will it be like now. Sigh, maybe everything started too fast I guess. Everyone thought we were the perfect match for each other, but perhaps they aren't aware of behind the scenes. At first I thought like, it's the first month till then, we never quarrel, or angry at each other and stuff. I was so glad and wished it will be this way till long. But now I know, it can't be that way. It was only the honeymoon period for every couple and when it's over the war begins. The fight, the craps and all the nasty nonsense starts coming up from everywhere. But good to say, ours was not as bad. It may be complex because of me. And yeah, everything was my fault. It's just cause I couldn't understand myself and you. Thanks for all the constant teaching and lessons and scoldings. I start to get them one by one. Sometimes you're right and sometimes you're wrong. Everybody makes mistakes.
I know. I talk to other guys, which are my bros. ( I considered my guy friends as my bros ) I looked at other guys saying their cute and not bad looking and even all these to you. You must have been upset or not feeling good about it, I'm sorry I couldn't help it. This was just me being me. I've always been like this since secondary school.
Hard choices to make. Oh my, why does things always have to make my life so difficult at times. Sigh really hate last minute stuff.. Yeah I get it. My fault, I choose them over you, I didn't know your date with your bros wasn't not confirm, and just nice some friend had to ask me if I'm free the next morning. my bad for all alright.
My 18th, I had to ask you out for my birthday, that's totally no face for myself. There's even another guy, who was once like a brotherly guy to me, remember my birthday and told me that he promised to bring me out during this day. I felt bad not cause I didn't go out with him but because I forgot about it, like really. It was indeed sweet for him, that I would say. That day past like a normal day, I meant, I wasn't asking for anything much just a day spend with me will be all good.
Your birthday, I was in school having work to do, but of course I didn't forget your birthday, I was sorry that I didn't plan anything for you but your bro friends who ask me along for your birthday. And so I tried to make it a mini surprise, to say I had to go home and stuff but in actual to come and eat with you and them all. It was a bit awkz for me too as I didn't know them that well.
If you thought back carefully, almost all our dates, I'm the one that asked you out. Oh my, shouldn't it be the other way? I also googled stuff like, should the guy pay for the girl? Almost all the comments said of course, ya he should and stuff. I remembered I told you that you will pay for yours and same goes for me. Now too, I started holding your hands most of the time.. it all felt like their other way round right now. I dontknow what to do anymore boon. I'm slowly drifting into darkness.
I know what my stand was, that I should pay for my own stuff, shouldn't use yours. But when I started to really see more, I see the guys paying for the girl, sometimes half half, treating her during special occasion like maybe say once a while, I started to look towards that way too. But I also know you wouldn't be that and never will. So I know I had to give up that thought and carry on being me, of what I used to be. Call me
Usually, the one who asks the other out is the one who pays. I get that, and maybe I don't wanna ask you out anymore.
People say, the guy should pay for everything, to show that he is capable for taking care of you and to show she is more valuable than money but that gesture has to be done wholeheartedly. of course there was once I was particularly upset because of that money issue thing, it's because that ex/boy was stingy and only think for himself. I know you're definitely different and so much better.
There's just too much things happening between us. Cold war, ignorance, the pains, cries, retarded stuffs, almost suicide but I coward, almost breakups, heartbreaks. It's too much. I know both of us are not entirely matured. We have our silly acts and childish sides.
Just wanna say, if one day you think we aren't suitable for each other, leave me. I will understand. As for me, no I'm not gonna do that. I'll try to understand in your place and let you do whichever things you want. I'm not gonna say it's wrong but just let you realize things in your way.
Maybe after reading this, you may still feel I am wrong or I've wronged you in whatever I say, I just dontknow what to say anymore. Couldn't ask for more to have such a boyfriend like you. Thanks indeed for walking into my life and bringing so much happiness. I'm contended enough.
The million dollar question, •Are we suitable for each other, given our different mindset•
& I'm being random.
Monday, 13 October 2014
00:38
You say I'm irresponsible and you walked away like that. Oh well, I guess you're not understanding enough and probably not fit to be my boyfriend. I think I'm wrong about you. You say I was lame for doing this, but did you know the reason behind it? You dontknow how much I've suffer and you think I like doing this? No, I don't at all.
Home is a place where one should be able to look forward each day, feeling the family warmth, feeling comfortable and the love. But me, ever since all these things happen, I don't anymore and not proud to call that my home. I don't belong here, and by right I should have died long ago. I felt like a coward, I honestly do not dare to die, but if I did I would wish to die peacefully.
All in mind when I was on the way home, I'm filled with terror, you know that feeling of going into somewhere unfamiliar and all the faces you haven't seen. that's scary. I thought my dad would hit me or scold me, but he didn't. Well, indeed a surprise. I head straight into the room and went for a bath. And in the shower, tears started flowing. Not because of going "home", but because of that someone who made me feel insecure.
I remembered how I did "so much" for him but yet he treated me this way today. They say people change, not surprise either. Yeah, whatever you say. Childish, lame, irresponsible. I'm not explaining things anymore. I will quietly do my own stuff, shut my fucking mouth and let the world do it's things. Let the blame be on me, I'll be the one that start the war.
I've learnt a "lesson" today, disappointments. And how much of insecurities I'm having. You don't support my ways, don't try to listen to me, I tried to talked to you. What I get was a "scolding". I guess I've nothing to say to you anymore, I hate you now for not understanding me enough. But guess what, I don't need you to understand me anymore. Go ahead and be what you think is rightfully. I guess.. I'm not the one for you.
& I'm being random.
