So I cried again today. Taking the bus ride alone, I start to think about stuffs again. About how hard my life is, plain disappointments. I recalled how my dad always told me off "You're finished." Maybe you don't understand, but it meant something like game over. Well, it hurts deep down. I feel sucky, feeling like shit. I think about my mum, always borrowing money from me, and said she will return next week then the week after, but she never did. I was upset, cause I really hated lies. She lied to me uncountable times, I just keep taking them in. What can I do when she doesn't return me, I can't do much.
If I was just die someday, leaving everyone behind, just gone this way. I thought dying solves all the problem I'm having now, but I guess not. If it did, I guess everyone would have just die. Sometimes I wonder why am I here for, living thought all this hardships I shouldn't have. I feel I'm still young after all, I am 18 this year. Life's really unfair, I know I shouldn't meddle with adults stuff like it's their duty to take care of us, their responsibility to take good care of this household. Shouldn't it be that way? I don't get it. I felt I'm old enough, to put in some effort and try my best to help them in any way possible and my sisters, I swear they dontknow anything, but only enjoy life. I couldn't bear it, why do I have to know so much things. The bills, nearly 400k can you believe it? I don't understand. I hate living in this world.
Does any parents keep asking their kids for money? Cause mine does. Not my dad, but my mum. That's why I hate having money, I haven't even start earning proper money, you think I am an ATM huh. I'm not angry or pissed, just upset why do I have such parents, just why. I don't even have much money for myself, and I keep giving you like this, how am I suppose to survive. The fact that you took my obey without telling me last time, I really build hatred towards you. But you're my mum after all, I shouldn't. I even many times, take can, please at least tell me. But you never did, do you exact know how much money you've taken from me, now I don't put money there, and all you did was start asking from me. Every time I told myself, okay I won't give anymore, and when you asked, I said no, and told you how many times have you asked. You said sorry, I felt bad and then transferred to you. But do you exactly know I cried each time after giving you money? Tons of tears drop, fuck money really. I'm a broke freak now, are you happy?
Sometimes, knowing nothing is better than knowing something. It's true, hearing the reality sucks big time. I don't know what the future lies ahead for me but I hope everything will get better in every way. I should be living a happy life, but why am I upset? I suck at everything.
Today, I feel so upset. But I don't wanna tell anyone so I keep it to myself. Knowing that I always go softhearted sigh. Bought food for my mum, and prepared for her, in the end, she told me she had alrdy eaten. I have nothing to say anymore. I dontknow what to do with life, I'm tired, dreading living each day. Everything is an issue, I hope I can really just die some day and not create problems and being a burden to my family.
Maybe I should stop doing any unnecessary things, I'm being stupid for myself my own life so difficult. I don't ask for a simple thank you from you but I thought at least you could appreciate it. Just at least. Well, the upsetting part is that you didn't, but instead carrying on with your own stuff watching your show. So I guess I did something extra, thanks for letting me know that, indeed. I will try my best not to do it again. I promise. I don't wanna make my life so difficult. I will just keep everything to myself. That's the best I can do for myself, for just holding on to my happiness key. For letting myself to have a simple happiness, and smiling, looking into the mirror and saying I did it. I'll be so proud.
I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND HAVE NO WORRIES. LET ME GO, CAN YOU? PLEASE.
I cried, I bit, I let.
