Saturday, 14 June 2014
02:02
Hateful of feeling this way, it has to happen every fucking time. it's a damn routine a fucked up torture. Well not the first time I cried in the bus anyway, just gotten used to all.
How hard everything has to be. I force my through what, through hell. Maybe you dontknow, but it's hurts deep down my heart. it feels partially broken, no cracks, just shattered. I guess sooner or later, I hope I'll just die of a broken heart.
Every fucking time, just when I knew I was about to cry, all I know I had to fake out a smile, seem like I'm wandering around looking at stuffs, And in the inside, there I am biting my lips trying to maintain and constantly tell myself I'm strong I'm not gonna cry let this ordeal begone. The fact that I've to fake, it isn't me, not the truly me, but another side of me. It's a fugly horrible side.
I'm the type of person who couldn't handle her own emotions, when I want to laugh I laugh, but yet another side of her has proven to show she can handle those, by torturing inside of her. This is absolutely insane. I wonder how she did those some times. It must have been so much hardship.
Like another day, another saddening day. You don't talk, I don't talk. Then it turns back to me. It's always me, always fucking me. Do I look like a damn toy? To be played around like a fool, I have feelings too, so do you. I frantically told myself not to talk to you anymore. Not in those condition when I'm angry, sad, but when I've really tried a lot a lot. I'm really tired, from crying, from being upset in those days when they're unnecessary. Why do I even held on? I don't get them.
Can I turn back to those days when I'm still a happy dena? Can everything just be a dream? I'm lying, to myself again. I'm not okay. And I will never be. Hate my life.
& I'm being random.
