It's since a long timeeee.
Hmm well, if you've guess it, It's just me being troubled again. Nothing happy to talk about. Past weeks, many work to do, and the workload was so heavy that I could barely sleep in peace. The thought of 4 projects due, 3 in a week and last in next, it sucks. I was barely hanging on. And I had to even do it like a lonely ranger, you couldn't believe it. I didn't had proper meals, couldn't rest not a minute, and the last thing would be typing on my lappy for almost 12 hours straight. It was horrendous, the dying part of my life. Sometimes wished I had a soul mate that will really be right by my side 24/7. I know, dream on.
There came the submission week, okay so everything was good to go. There's something that kept inside me because I didn't want to acknowledge it. Not intending to as well, just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Maybe I was wrong, to mix them together.And I thought it will be okay, I thought it won't have a problem, I was wrong. Now I know it, I won't do it. End of story.
My worst fear came. I didn't dare dream about it. After all, I realized how much of a horrible person I am, totally screwed. Define me, two words, fucked up. Constantly played by feelings, when I don't even understand myself yet. When did I changed this much, to the point that I lose myself. I wonder where's my soul. It hasn't been in me in a while, this is not right. I feel my inner beast, ruining me, myself. I don't want to hurt people's feelings, please. Can I just be the one getting hurt instead? I hate myself for everything that I've done, it was all fake, I'm not being me.
I felt like a sinner. I seek for forgiveness, but I'm never gonna be forgiven. Can I not like anyone anymore? I suck at that shit. Is being nice to people, a crime? I must have been punished and jailed in prison for that. Whats wrong? You came back to me to ask me, why not ask yourself. I'm not telling you anything, this is my problem, not yours. Sometimes its better to know nothing than to know something. I want to say three words here, listen. I am okay. That's humans biggest lies, trust me, no one is.
Looking at stars was all good until you stepped into my life. You turned my stars into shades of blackness and now my world is pitch black. Why are you doing this to me? I'm only left with stars, and you decided to take them away, how could you.. Plain troubled. I had enough, suffered enough, I can't do this anymore. I'm barely hanging on.
You see how complicated I get? No one understands shits here, I like travelling in circles, unscramble it if you truly know me. I really don't know what I want in my life anymore, almost done with everything. I could still recalled that day, when you... I almost teared. Why did you have to do this. It's not coincidence, not fate. I would say my life's a tragedy. I was told to kill expectations.
I wish I could start my life all over again, I don't want to take initiatives, I always ended up the wrong way, first it was, second is still going on and third is barely hanging on. Should I be the bad guy and cut off all ties? Make me suffer, not others. Make others happy, not me.
"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life witha clearer view again"
-goodnights
